Fun with Dick and Jane
by Cal reflector
Summary: In which Yuffie and Vincent engage in armed robbery and are confronted by the Turks in a most unusual way. Dedicated for Rhianwen and warned for crack.


Author's Notes: For Rhianwen in a Christmas fic-exchange: Ma'am, I'll have you all know that only for you will I write pairings which are either canon or so popular as to be mainstream; I haven't done a remotely-close-to-mainstream pairing story since… the Clinton years.

Title: Fun with Dick and Jane  
Character/Pairings: Vincent, Yuffie  
Genre: Angst, Comedy (Okay, you see where this is going?)  
Setting: 49 percent AU, so democratically speaking its still canon.  
Disclaimer: FF7 does not belong to me.

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"What are you doing, Yuffie?"

Yuffie cast a weird look at the tall skinny gunman standing next to the booth she sat at. "Dunking my doughnut in a cup of Darjeeling?"

Indeed she was, and the cultural wrongness of the gesture bothered the prim and proper Vincent to no end, but that was not what he meant.

"That was not what I meant. I mean why are you having tea time while we're supposed to be holding up this place?" Vincent waved the hand-cannon he held towards the patrons of the diner, eliciting a collective squeak from the cowering crowd who were on their way to work when the duo with half-translucent pantyhose tied over their heads walked in, obviously meaning serious business.

Yuffie, who fortunately had remembered to roll her pantyhose up clear of her lips, took a slow sip of her tea before continuing. "Because I forgot to have breakfast before we came, and you know how cranky I get when I go without breakfast, Vinny."

Vincent knew, but nevertheless frowned severely at his partner to show just how unhappy he was, forgetting that he had two layers of nylon stocking covering his face so that the gesture looked nothing but silly. He scanned the room apprehensively, his Gunman Sense warning him that if Yuffie didn't conclude tea time soon…

"This is the Inspector Tseng of the Midgar Police Department; we know you're in there which is why we've got you completely surrounded so come out with your hands up!"

The bullhorn amplified voice caught everyone but Vincent by surprise, who smacked his forehead with his… claw, dealing himself 25 hp's worth of damage.

Enhanced by the caffeinating effects of the black tea, Yuffie quickly reverted to her usual self. Joining Vincent by the entrance, the ninja in a trench coat grabbed the nearest victim and flung the door open with the hapless hostage between her and the ocean of flashing red and blue. "Alright listen up Bobbies! No one comes near the diner or Vinny here will start blowing away hostages, starting from the pretty one in the dress here!"

Cloud screamed. "Help me please! I don't want to die!"

"Animals, they've taken a **girl** hostage." Staff sergeant Reno spat as he took cover behind his squad car and lit a cigarette.

"Not just the **girl**, but all the others inside too." commented Constable Elena, crouching beside her superior with her service pistol at the ready.

"Poor **lass**…" Muttered Rude, who watched as Cloud was dragged screaming and kicking back into the diner.

Inside, Vincent grew unhappier. "Why did you say I was going to blow her away? You know how I feel about roughly handling women."

Yuffie, who had leapt over the counter to retrieve the bags of gil they'd collected, scowled. "Don't be a ninny Vinny; what's that artillery piece of yours for anyways? Don't make me say Freud."

Vincent whimpered, suddenly despondent. "You promised not to use the F-word."

Yuffie's expression softened considerably as she reached up and petted the gunman on the head. "There, there, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'll make it up to you when we get back to our hideout: your favorite tea and biscuits, okay?"

The gunman suppressed a sniffle before piping up hopefully. "Brambleberry jam?"

"Of course." Yuffie smiled indulgently. "Now go out there and make some fireworks so we can escape before the Bobbies wise up to our plan."

Happy now, Vincent opened the door once again, careful not to trip on Cloud who was weeping into his dress hem, lying across the doorway. Picking the car nearest to him, he pointed his gun at it, causing those nearby to scatter, and fired. The luckless vehicle caved in on itself, somersaulted into the air, twisted a few times and flew back until a red double-decker bus brought it to a smoldering halt.

Staff sergeant Reno did not care for this recent development. "God Blimey… My car! That bastard!"

Constable Elena stared after Vincent with stars in her eyes as he retreated back into cover. "Man alive, did you see the size of that man's… gun?"

"Gun!? You must be kidding me, Laney, anti-aircraft cannon is more like it… Laney, Laney? Oh for Pete's sake wipe that drool off your face…"

"…Huh, what? Are we going after them?"

"Forget it, wankers are already gone."

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Miles away, the duo was escaping in a borrowed Volkswagen Beetle when Vincent decided to speak up.

"Yuffie."

"Yes Vinny?"

"Why was everyone speaking British today?"

"Beats me."

"And why were there so many misplaced English cultural references? I mean, even the steering wheel of this car is on the wrong side; it's on the right side."

"Vinny, what you said just now was awfully vague, but have you ever considered that an explanation for all this may simply be: in the event no one appreciated the puns and bad cracks at humour, the author could always get off by employing British accent, which everyone finds funny and likes listening to?"

"Yeah…" Vincent chuckled. "Brambleberry; that was a good one."

"Now that you're enlightened, get us home quick so we can start on those tea and biscuits."

"If by tea and biscuits you mean se…"

Yuffie put a finger to his lips admonishingly, but smiling. "The children, Vinny."

_The End._


End file.
